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Born Against

by Amigo the Devil

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1.
Small Stone 03:19
Small stone, big river. Long night, hard liver. Cold sweat and shivers to sleep. Bedside believer Lifetime achiever Rhinestones and no one to see. All of godʼs glory only. All of godʼs glory only for me. Nighttime deceiver Heartache and fever Deadlines with nowhere to be. Tell me the story of lonely and Iʼll show you the pain of getting clean.
2.
There was a kid who came home red from panic and fear. Some kids at the school had beaten him way past tears. His mom cried “Jesus Christ” as she cleaned the blood pouring out of his ears… but it was obvious that, quiet as a rat, god was nowhere near. There was a girl at the bar. She overdosed in a photo booth. Nobody found her body until last call. The pictures all showed her terrified and a loner while everyone cried what a great friend she was. And everyone treats commandments like more like a bucket list so Iʼve been been asking why I was born against? Time doesnʼt respect what doesnʼt respect it and kind isnʼt a word I would use for man. If everyoneʼs made in “his” image and even “he” couldnʼt perfect it, then what the hell makes anyone think we can? He had the faith of a dog, the debt of a sinner and a chain tied from his neck to around a tree. He taped a hospital bill to the dashboard…kissed the ring on his finger and drove himself to eternity. Iʼve been trying to hide I was born against. I wonder if Iʼll die…born against.
3.
It was a quiet night down at the gaming hall. Doubled up on cocaine and adderall. The room full of smoke and the air so still that I choked when I raised up both of my hands to yell BINGO. I was looking around trying to track down who the biggest threat would be. Seeing the fear in everybodyʼs eyes, apparently it was me and I guess I know why. Iʼve been coming here cleaning house for the past few weeks. I was binging bingo. From the second I walked in I planned my attack. Three packets in hand, I sat at my usual table in back. He mightʼve been calling the numbers, but I was calling the shots. After four in a row I jumped up and yelled “someone should call the cops, Iʼm killing it” Everyone sitting still like a people garden. Tension builds as the wrap up nears the end. This dabber is a weapon sending everyone to bingo heaven…held back by the numbers I donʼt have… Then the room got quiet… My breath was still... It gave me the feeling in my chest, that tightness, that only losing everything will. The game begins now. We were binging bingo. We were binging bingo.
4.
I hit him hard and made it known he wasnʼt going to make it home no matter how much he might disagree. Suddenly I saw it in his eyes when it clicked that the last thing he was going to see was me. Fear is such a funny thing we wear it like a diamond ring with promises we never plan to keep. I swear that if you let me go and so and so but tears are only water and water is cheap. Mirror mirror on the counter covered in fine white powder, what the hell is fair at all? So Iʼll take a drop for every hour sheʼll never dance. Iʼll hide a piece in every city sheʼll never see. I know that this wonʼt make it better but I donʼt want to live without her so the last drop, the last drop is for me. I never thought thereʼd be a day I didnʼt get to hold my daughter. Terrified knowing that Iʼd ever come to terms with this at all. I never knew how much a man could hate until I read that letter but like you said, none of us are saints, if I recall. I never knew how patient I could be until I watched you bleed. Thereʼs nothing I can take from you that means what she did to me. Every word from your fucking mouth is like bringing wood to a burning house so weʼll be here all night until ashes are all we breathe. So Iʼll take a drop for every hour sheʼll never dance. Iʼll hide a piece in every city sheʼll never see. I know that this wonʼt bring her back, and Iʼll never find relief so the last drop is for me.
5.
I pried his kneecaps up like the lid on a can of paint. I nailed his tongue to his chin so I couldnʼt hear him complain. I stuck some PVC where the sun donʼt shine, fed some barbed while through and I swear to God I could see that he could see Godʼs face when I pulled out the tube. I prayed for justice how Jesus always taught us but he turned the rain into wine and thatʼs not the kind of miracle to pull me through. At the end of the day I found a better way to fry a fish like you.
6.
I break myself to pieces for everybody else to take. They put it all back together in the size and shape they want to make. I carry around the ashes of everything I was before. Lately it seems the matches are the only book Iʼm reaching for. I donʼt want to be different anymore, Iʼve changed. Iʼm trying to be different than before I changed. When the water is finally still I see all the parts that are wrong but thereʼs two sides to the mirror and Iʼm trying to see which one Iʼm on. There once was a lion somewhere inside but itʼs teeth have all fallen out. Though I keep trying to face my pride, Iʼll never make them proud. I donʼt want to be different anymore, Iʼve changed. Iʼm trying to be different than before I changed.
7.
Itʼs a quarter to two and the bars are all closing, nobody looks how they think. The guy in the corner with spit in his beard wearing more than he drank of his drink. The dancers are shaking like ants, desperate to find a last minute queen While the rest of us are all headed home to try finding comfort in dreams, cause this isnʼt life. I know that I chose it, but I canʼt stand waking up and nobody knows it. Iʼll never find the strength to change what I need. Is this who Iʼll always be? I open my eyes and the room is still spinning, I joke about buying a vowel. The funniest part of this feeling is knowing the answer but nothing comes out. So Iʼm shaking around like Iʼm hanging from something I know is about to break. Like Iʼm biting the gun but the safety is on and I threw up the pills I ate. The notes are all scribbled in pencil without really knowing what Iʼm trying to write but something like “goddamn the man who said everything gonna be fine.” Life is a lot like a sewer; we get out of it what we put in…thatʼs when doubt kicks in. Maybe I just donʼt have it inside me. Maybe thereʼs too much I couldnʼt face? I just wanted someone to come down from heaven and explain this cold and fucked up place. Iʼll just keep trying to hide it until thereʼs nothing left to save and in the end, I know Iʼm gonna die buried in another mans grave.
8.
24K Casket 03:43
Everyone says money canʼt buy happiness and so far in my life Iʼll agree though it seems a lot more comfortable to cry in a Lamborghini. But one day while weʼre driving down the 5 the earth splits open and all of us die. At least weʼre all together, this time itʼs forever and all we have to pass the time is you and them and me….and the reckoning! You might get to sleep forever in a 24 carat casket. Buried in some dirt from a place you canʼt pronounce. A headstone so big even astronauts can see that the only thing youʼll never get to die with is dignity. Most of life weʼre sitting on a bench and we know the bird above us has to…you know. Some days we move and others we just yell “just go ahead, everyone else does.” I think Iʼd rather have bad luck than have no luck at all. Iʼd rather be alive than half a dozen feet below. Things will never go back to the way they were before because I donʼt think this world wants us on it anymore. I donʼt think this world wants us on it anymore. Subtlety isnʼt everyones cup of tea. Some of us prefer a little whiskey. Itʼs your life, youʼre the only one who has to lose it. We might never get to see inside a 24 carat casket Hopefully we had a damn good life while we had it A headstone so small, no one will ever read and maybe, if weʼre lucky, weʼll die with dignity.
9.
Shadow 04:02
We drag around a shadow with every step we take. Every bad decision is now also theirs to make. A thief that only borrows in a sea without the shark…who protects the shadow from the dark. A thousand different angles shout the circles name in vain. Are we crucifying a savior or a masochist in pain? A knife without the handle in a shark without the sea. Who will give the shadow everything it needs? Every rule we follow was also made to break. In everything we let go thereʼs something else we take. A goal without ambition is a key without the lock. Who is there to listen when the shadow has to talk? The time we take to wonder the point of being alive. The small talk we depend on like drinking piss to survive. The daughter of the addict wears her wedding dress to prom and no one cares to find out where the shadow is coming from. The old interpretations of how everyone should look. The cold and spiteful rhetoric inspired by a book. Hate without tradition is Noah without the arc…so who protects the shadow from the dark? Only feeling alone around people. Getting by and making it believable. Love without compassion is fire without a spark. Who protects the shadow…better than the dark?
10.
At midnight Iʼll be leaving for a place Iʼve never been. I feel a bit relieved although I shouldnʼt. I re-read all your letters that the prison let me keep, theyʼre the only thing that got me this far. This one is the last Iʼll ever write. Iʼm sorry for the hurt I brought this life. I hope that you move on to find somebody to give you what I couldnʼt. To hell with the martyrs , to hell with trying to be. I know I donʼt deserve this life or glory. There wonʼt be any angels up there singing me to sleep. Youʼre the closest thing to heaven Iʼll ever see. The little things you did that I let bother me before, now I wish those little things would last forever. We used to count the time by how long weʼd been apart, now my clock is dust on the floor. We used to joke about never growing up. We were drunk and yelling “If we die, whatever.” Now the only dream I have is watching you get old, forever. Throw away the memories, burn all my things. I know I donʼt deserve to be a story. When they ask me for my last words, I know just what theyʼll be: “I love every cell that makes you who you are, and everything between.” In less than 24 hours, Iʼll just be dirt and flowers. I hope it brings the families peace. When the darkness of the tunnel is the last place I go, youʼre the closest thing to heaven Iʼll ever need.

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released April 16, 2021

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Amigo the Devil Spicewood, Texas

Murderfolk

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